Sunday morning

>> 20.10.13

There's nothing quite like the feeling of a lazy Sunday morning.

You wake up early and find yourself just lying in bed, listening to the world. There's a gentle breeze coming through the windows and all is still and peaceful. It's a time for reflection, usually.

Last week was a little hard to bear and I'm so glad Sunday is here. In a few short hours, I can start fresh all over again.

I was fronted with goodbyes last week. How sudden things can just happen? If anything, it was a reminder to myself to really cling on to those moments I have now with the people I love and love being around.

There's nothing quite like a Sunday night, when you can finally breathe a sigh of relief. The week is over.



>> 6.10.13

I think casual relationships usually happen when both parties have recently fallen out of their respective long-term serious relationships. My thoughts are that both are craving the intimacy and familiarity of good company but may not be emotionally ready or in the head space for commitment. What culminates can be fun times and a growing friendship. You can kick back and enjoy the rush of getting to know someone, without the urgency to define what you are or could not be together. No fights, no expectations, no games.

It's been a great month or so for me and the result was I was actually feeling comfortable and at peace for the first time in ages. Sometimes things can be just as simple as that - if it makes you happy, then that's all you need to know. Sometimes you really don't need to make any grandiose plans or promise the world to someone.

But then it's also important to not get swept away in the excitement.

The fundamental truth is that casual isn't built to last and when the end comes, it's going to be just as swift as the way it started. You need to understand that when you agree to enter something like this, that you're ready to pull yourself away the minute it breaks apart.

What my recent situation has made me realise is how different relationships are as you get older. Although we both set out on casual terms and conditions, our discussions would somehow find their way back to the topic of where we were heading...As we moved along, we realised how very misaligned our heads and hearts were in this particular point in time. Crazy huh? The human heart will always want something real, even if we trick ourselves into believing otherwise.

Where I'm used to looking at things through short-term/near future lenses, I had to dig to the very grit and bottom of this to ask myself bigger picture questions. Together, we had to assess whether it was commitment worthy and probable to survive. We had to ask ourselves questions like - is there a future there? Would we be forever? As you would guess, the answers were sadly no. So at this point, it all began to unravel rather rapidly and we made the decision to end it. The good news is we have dealt with it and subsequently, there's a friendship there to fall back on.

Who knows what will happen next? 



>> 17.8.13

Sorry it's taken a while to get around to these!


La di da

Sleepy, nostalgic Saturday nights. Post wisdom teeth surgery has left me stranded at home with my own thoughts. Hence, begins the painfully tiresome dig into past journal entries from a lifetime ago...


There was a night where we'd travelled for hours on a bus, got off and went on another. We were lost and had been traveling all day. Sticky, tired and stressed, we lugged our luggage and wandered down this highway at night.

Night lights all around in the distance, cool breeze blowing in the crisp summer stopped and kissed me. Hundreds of cars zoomed past us, and you said 'this is to keep me going'.

So warm inside. As icky and gross I had felt that day, that moment could not have been better.

I first arrived with the same suitcases in tow - just as sticky, tired and stressed. But when I left, I had you by me to share all that with.


I'm going to just lie in bed tonight. I will wear your shirt and close my eyes to try and imagine you here.
And I will say this to you:
I am sorry you can't feel my love anymore.

I don't know what happened, what changed. I just know somewhere something changed in the both of us. We have tried so hard and it is unfair that we are losing this fight, but I feel no resentment because this has always been beautiful.

The simple fact is that I love you with all my heart and soul. But for some god forsaken reason, whether that be due to time, space or fate, it is not enough. Our magic is not enough right now to keep this afloat. 



>> 11.8.13

Oh the irony.

As I've announced so many times now, I've been so over dating. I think it's just bullshit. 

A few weeks ago, after returning from an amazing trip to Boracay, I made a declaration. The trip proved that relationships between men and women can be way too confusing and deceitful. I threw my hands up in the air, and said, FUCK IT, no more dating for me. My declaration was that I would resign myself to going back to being alone and enjoying the 'me' time. I would opt for animal videos at home on a Friday night, instead of the usual she-bang at bars and clubs or forcing myself to go on mindless dates for the sake of 'meeting someone'. 

With this idea in tow, I found myself over the last few weeks feeling pretty super and content. Then BAM, it happened. Just when I wasn't looking, something happened and it has come charging at me from out of nowhere.

I think it's true what people say about life happening when you're making other plans. I think the moment I stopped 'planning', I became so much more relaxed, which may or may not have come across in the way people perceived me.

ANYWAY, it's a little complicated but interesting... I'm not at liberty to say what yet, because I'm unsure myself. When I figure out what it is, that is going on, I will write back.


A piece of advice

>> 16.6.13

Just thought you should know...

I have dated more in the last six months than in my entire life

It has been very exciting but at the same time ridiculously tiring, often tough and sometimes bat shit boring and predictable. 

I distinctly remember a conversation I had with a girlfriend one night over drinks. It was post-break-up and I was feeling liberated, anxious and slightly giddy about what lay ahead in my life. Now, my friend is just one of the most open, forward and awesomely sexually honest people I know. She couldn't give two fucks less about what you would think about her decisions and personal life. So I took it to her to help me figure out how to get my groove back. 

I remember asking, 'How do you do it? How do you go out there and meet people? How do you hook up and be intimate with someone...without actually pouring out all your heart and soul and just drowning in all your own insecurities??' And she just said to me, 'You go out, you get shit-faced and you just do it. You don't think about it. It doesn't matter because you're a 20-something year old and this is what it's all about. There's no better time than now.'

I know this might all come across as taboo and slightly insane, but I really took this advice to heart. I haven't just applied it to my love life, but also with anything else I find myself speculating over. It's helped me to take these leaps, make these so-called mistakes and not beat myself up for living it. 

I'm not madly in love with myself now, but I'm certainly more forgivable towards myself and just happier as result...This is the most fun I've had and the most free and confident I've felt in a while. 


April Blues

>> 21.4.13

Last few weeks have been a bit of an emotional hell-hole.

Work is crazy busy - a lot of 13 hour days and head-banging moments. 

Ex boyfriend, Cosmin, has been a complete fucking psycho. Last week resulted in me finally sending to him my approx. 400 page email. Rant off my chest and basically just me begging him to please stay away from me. I've given everything he thinks I owe him back, so I am just praying to god, this is the end of it all.  

Yes, it does hurt. Of course it hurts when someone you once cared so much for, can say things to you like how they wish they had never met you and regret ever being with you. But what can you do? 

And I've just been scattered all over the place.

I've recently started 'dating' again. I don't know if 'again' is the right word to use, since I've never actually 'dated' before. For as long as I remember, I've always been in either flings or straight into relationships. Anything during my teenage years doesn't really count and anything after that was quite insignificant and lackluster to say the least. Then of course, came along Cosmin, who passionately swept me off my feet and we became so embroiled with each other that I don't think we ever got the chance or time to really play the dating game. 

So now here I am...

From me to you: the dating world is fucking scary. It's exhausting, awkward and confusing. I'm about 3 weeks into my official declaration of joining this world and I'm feel like my patience and dignity is wearing thin...It's just so fucking time-consuming and tiring. But I'll keep you posted, should anything interesting happen...


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