Our Story

>> 10.9.11

To tell our story, we have to begin from the very worst.

I was travelling backwards, steadily inflicting pain on myself over a lengthy period of time. My heart had been trashed and stomped on. I condemned infidelity and yet, kept finding myself running back to that one aching past… because I had no where else to go.

So one day, I said to myself, ‘I need to get the fuck out of here’. And I left.

I packed my bags to go halfway across the world – as far away as I could get from everything. A tad extreme and dramatic, I know, but knowing me, there’s no other way I’d do it.

The first few weeks were no different. I still longed for the past, for the familiarity and hadn’t learnt my lesson. Clearly, immersing myself in a completely foreign world wasn’t enough to cure myself from this sickness.

Then one night, I met you. It was magnetic. Instant...I am not proud to say this because we wronged someone to be together. For a long time, it actually felt like I was punching myself in the face - the way I was incredulously tossing my morals and values aside like that. But we couldn’t stop.

Sometimes I questioned the reality of this, because who was I kidding? I was living a European summer with no responsibilities and repercussions. I was completely mind-fucked and life was but a blur of psychedelic colours. I always stopped myself from thinking about the ‘after’, because it warranted too much doubt and uncertainty.

Day by day, we became more real. You said, ‘Let’s make the most of what we have left. I don’t want to regret not living these last weeks the best we can. We’re already in it, so let’s just fall.’ Despite agreeing, my barricade was still up there – solid and as bullet-proof as ever.

I don’t know what exactly even happened…but the next thing I knew, I was seeing life through a different set of eyes. I got off my morally-righteous pedestal and understood how it felt to not always be in control. I was falling in love without realising and the most ironic part was, I didn’t want to be. Our whole relationship was built on something that I had always been so against, but lord, there was no way I could ever have said no to you. Over and over, we were back with each other again.

I remember the last night I was in the country, we’d been travelling all day and were tired as hell. We did nothing but eat our dinner in the room happily in silence and lay talking. You fell asleep eventually, but I didn’t sleep all night. I was crying over and over again, watching you there and dreading the moment when the hour hand would reach six.

You woke up, packed your things and wiped my tears. But no matter how much you wiped, they kept pouring out again. You said ‘I’ll see you soon,’ and walked out the door. I crumbled. And I’m not someone who crumbles – ever. But there was this indescribable physical pain in my chest that made me crawl into a sobbing mess on the floor. I lay there numb for the rest of the day. That was when I just knew.

While I was at the airport in Germany, you texted me and said, ‘Marry me’. While I was at the airport in Hong Kong, you called me and said ‘I mean it’.

Back in Sydney two weeks later, you Skyped to show me you had bought the ring.

I remember first being open to non-attachment and a being together without the ties and expectations, but you have always been so adamant that it’s all or nothing. I’m glad you swept me off my feet, because I can’t imagine doing this any other way.  

We will wait for our dream to happen. I know there’s still a painful and long journey ahead, but to be able to only see your face every day – even for a few seconds – I feel okay again. You have been my rock and inspiration this last year. You have kept me going because everything I do, I now do it for you and us. I do it for this future that I so strongly believe in.

All my friends are shitting themselves because we joked about me finding someone overseas to numb the old pain, but they didn’t expect something to actually develop this deep. I keep waiting for something to happen, for someone to tell me to snap out of it and fall back down to earth…but nothing yet.  These feelings aren’t fading and you’re still here by me. It baffles me how you still want me, even after all this time, and especially seeing me in my worst of worst states. And by worst – I mean worst. God, I can still remember so clearly those many nights over the last year. There's been just so many times I’d want to die because all I'd want to do is to touch you again. I was barely holding on.  

Like how we first started, you have picked me up again every other time. You were the one that put my pieces back together when I arrived there with my heavy suitcases and a shattered heart in tow. You knocked down those clichéd walls and I poured everything out to you. You taught me to trust and have faith again. I have never been so honest and comfortable with someone before. You see everything there is in me – from vulnerability to strength.

To say I am completely in love with you is an understatement. You are so much more than that… You are home to me. You overwhelm me – I mean, how is it that I managed to find you out of all those people in the world and all those countries and places and time?? It’s like magic. And I want to spend the rest of my life like how we did on that last night together – happy in our comfortable silence and falling asleep while talking.




0 comments:

Post a Comment

  © Blogger template Simple n' Sweet by Ourblogtemplates.com 2009

Back to TOP