Twenties

>> 6.11.12

I've had a little more time to think about things. Thank you to the few people I have openly spoken to about this - it's all been put into perspective and it's sinking in for me now...

First of all, I need to accept that this is you trying to move on. I need to be genuinely and whole-heartedly happy for you. None of this pretend bullshit. I need to actually be glad that you will be leaving and transforming your life without me. Ouch, without me? Out of everything, the 'without me' is truthfully the damn hardest part to comprehend and swallow. It's a stark reminder of the future we were meant to carve out together...not separately.

Secondly, I need to accept that I have not entirely moved on either. I've walked around in a haze these last weeks and thought I had successfully maneuvered myself through the grieving process efficiently and effectively. I even had a big meltdown during the earlier stages and thought the worst was over, but lord, how premature were my assumptions...

The fact is I have not ceased to feel like you are still there and would continue to be should I need you again. I have selfishly continued to feel like you belonged to me. I am sorry for holding on.

So when you suddenly break the news to me that you're relocating to a whole new country, I refused to take it well. WHO DOES THAT? How will I find you then? Will I even have your address? Would I still be able to find you on a map????

Lastly, now that I am beginning to make sense of the above, I need to let you go. I have always wanted you to live your life to the best potential. This is you doing it now and regardless of the reasoning behind your choice, I need to just accept it.

I think you will be brilliant and I am jealous you can pack up your bags and leave. As I cannot jet off anywhere just yet, I'll instead sit back and take everything in slowly - step by step. I need to calm the fuck down and stop forcing myself to be okay - I may have seen this ending coming, but it doesn't mean I'm anywhere near ready for it.

Beautiful, vibrant and exciting twenties. These are the best years, right?

xx

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